blogs

I was reading some blogs today. Just to save images.

That picture is how I feel, and see myself.

I need to loose weight.

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Giving up.

I kinda really want to give up dancing.

I mean what's the point?

I know I'm no good. 

I never get good parts in the show.

Plus if I don't do dance, I'll have more time to do other things.

I wouldn't ruin my feet and it would cause Ashley less stress. She wouldn't have to choreograph my dance.

Why not give it up?

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Rapunzel

I science

Last week there were auditions for Rapunzel.

I thought I did pretty well.

Evidently not

I'm not any majorish part. I'm a freaking soloist.

I want to cry but I'm not going to.

Probably.

I'm the lantern soloist.

Of course Emma got the lead and Jaya got a Demi lead and Megan got the points solo and Alyssa got the theif.

I'm so low on the list. I'm second to last of importance.

I don't even see why I dance.

I'm not good enough to go anywhere with it.

I don't have the dedication. Or motivation

I'm a disappointment Timp jasmine and Ashley and Liz and probably all of my teachers.

My dance friends probably think I'm pathetic for trying.

No scratch that. I am pathetic.

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suicidal

I'm suicidal.

I wonder if cutting really gives you release.

I wonder if I jumped off of a skyscraper, would it hurt.

I don't think I would regret it.

I would be smiling on the way down.

People would be happy if I was gone.

My 'friends' would be happy they don't have to put up with me.

Riker would be glad I don't bug him

Noelle would be glad she doesn't have to put up with me and mg violence.

Jamie would enjoy me being gone. Not bugging her all the time

Sarah wouldn't think I'm taking Jamie

My sisters would get along better because they would share my stuff

Dad wouldnt have to work so hard. Less people to provide for.

Nick wouldn't have to pretend he likes me

Ashley wouldn't have to put up with me not payign tuition

Emily would be joyous

Mom would be so happy. She would not have to put up with me Lying. She wouldn't have to buy me stuff. She wouldn't think I was another Jr. She wouldn't have to work as hard. She would be more relaxed.

Teachers wouldn't care.

Family wouldn't care.

I don't see why this is a bad idea. It benefits everyone. Even me.

I won't be lonely

It would be kinda costly for the funeral. But its not like anyone would come.

I'm not worth it.

Ill never be worth anything

I lie

I'm not talented

I'm not funny

I'm not smart

I'm violent

I'm not pretty

Im mean

I get jealous

I'm messed up

I'm completely useless.

I want to die

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Again?

Have you ever had that urge to break down and cry.

To strangle someone. Specifically yourself.

To jump off a cliff just because.

Or to jump into oblivion?

That you are completely alone and just....dead....

I kinda feel like that Now.

I mean, I'm surrounded by people but I'm completely alone

And I kinda want to cry.

I've thought about it. And I decided that, I am worthless. Completely worthless.

I'm mean

I'm violent

I'm sadistic

I'm not pretty

I'm scary

I have a tough exterior.

I'm going to end up all alone.

I'll never go to prom or Sadie's or anything like that.

Nobody will ask me. And nobody would torture themselves by spending a whole day with me.

I won't get a boyfriend.

Let alone a husband

I won't have kids

And I won't make it past 27.

If I die then, then I will still be young and people will pity me and not look at my dead corpse with disdain.

I'm done with it. I hate pretending. I hate acting.

My English teacher told me hate is a strong word

I told her that's why I use it.

She laughed.

So I'll say to the world:

I hate myself.

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