Christopher Webb

So if you can't read it, it says Brief Sketch of Abby's Love life...

The early years "We want Abby!"


Junior high:
-New Hairdo
- Bigger Bow
-Boys have cuties (cooties)

High school:
(Thought bubble) This is so so so so so fantastic... Tate is a BABE!
Tate W. Abby d.
All day long. Every day.

Post High School/ Eternity
And "Abby" Says " Happiest day of my life!

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Jamie!!!!

Since my phone is stupid....

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my awesome creations

Yes!!!!!

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choices

Hey. Its me!

This is probably one of the hardest decisions of my life. So far. I know. I'm dramatic.  But its true.

The lady who's fixing my back says she doesn't want to work on me anymore if I don't take this seriously.

So this means I cannot do anything.

For the first time in forever. I've actually made so real friends.

Yes plural. Meaning more than one.

Ninth grade is the first time, (frankly I don't know how they put up with me ) and the majority of the really good ones are going to pg.

I know I'll make good friends at timp but it won't be the same. They're irreplaceable.

Lagoon day and summer stake dances were what I was depending on. The last few months with them, minus the drama from school.

But now I can't. And it makes me cry.

But I'm really sick of my back. Not being able to run without it hurting, and while sitting or standing for long periods of time. Any sport. And dance.

Its also a mental handicap. I feel like it will restrict me so I don't push my fullest. And it frankly sucks.

So this is my dilemma. But I think I've made a choice. I want to get my back fixed, and I don't want to wait forever. I can always get together with my friends afterwards.

So I'm going to do this.   

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for jamiecakes

Hiya Jamie. First of all, if the grammar on here is terrible, it's because I'm writing this on my phone.

Well you wanted to know what was wrong right?

Well its simple. Every time I go to a dance, stake, school, whichever.

Nobody asks me.

Its stupid and petty and I don't know why it gets to me so much.

Do you know how depressing and how much it hurts to watch all, ALL. of your friends dancing with boys and I'm just the loser in the corner singing to herself because she's insecure?

Because she feels completely alone.

So many people say that I'm pretty, or beautiful or gorgeous and I don't believe a single one of them.

Why should I?

I'm not pretty enough to ask to dance, why would I be good enough for anyone.

I have never heard of any guy liking me. Ever. Never in the 15 years I've been alive.

You wanna know why I'm so mean? Its the only thing I know that can cover up me being lonely. I hate it.

Everyone expects me to be mean, so I am. If I don't know how to react, I say something that will get attention.

You know at celine's party? How the guys said,"yeah we've been out there for a while, we only didn't come in because were scared of abby" I almost broke down right then. In front of everybody. I was crushed.

Do you know what my mom told me for the longest time?

That no one would love me.

That I wouldn't ever get married because no one would like to be with me. That I was a stupid piece of $*** and things along those lines. She tells me to be more like Noelle and my goody goody neighbor. She's only proud of me, when other people are around.

I don't know why i care that I'm never in the spotlight.

The only time I ever feel somewhat special is when I dance. I know people are watching me. they're not watching you or Noelle or Sarah or Celine or Andrea or kyra or Nikki or anyone like that.

So when I bombed my tdt auditions, I cried. For hours.

The one thing that I was maybe good at, I failed. Miserably 

Then today with all of my random comments at Sarah's? I only say things like that, because I wish I could go through that. To have someone there for me because a boy liked me.

Boys never like me.

Then I go talk to Danny and I remember that he only weighs 100 is pounds. And he's taller than me. I weigh 120.

I'm so fat.

I feel ugly constantly.

I'm not funny

I'm not good at acting.

I'm not super smart

I'm not good at the arts(dancing singing drawing etc.)

There is basically one person who could stand me for the 5 years I've known her and I don't even know how she puts up with me.

I'm a brat.

I'm selfish.

And all of you guys probably think I'm the most obnoxious, and stupid person ever so.

See you Monday.

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hmmm.... I wonder.

Well as you (who ever you are) know, I like Riker.

But today was extremely hectic with my slide show not working and the sound not cooperating after a freaking hour of trying.

Finally worked thanks to Brayden 

He made me laugh afterwards and hes understanding and calm so he 1) infuriates me 2) calms me down.

He's attractive.

And fairly smart.

He's not extremely athletic but much better than most.

I think I'm actually crushing on him :)

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I do believe I'm a cynic. I don't really see the bright side of things, or the happiest ending.

I, at the moment, am doing fine.

Its funny how one moment, I want to die, literally. And then the next, I am completely fine.

I read Emily's blog today again. I realized that I don't have it that bad. Emily is one of the most gorgeous girls ever, and she doesn't even get to go to MORP with the guy she likes.

--- Today I auditioned for TDT, I'm guessing I didn't make it. I was way too tense, I didn't have any fun. So tomorrow, I'm going to say 'who cares' and get on with it. I'll make it fun, and I'll be better that way too.

I went to the audition at 3. Got done at 6. Then I went straight to Ashley's and danced for 2 More hours.


Im Tired.

blogs

I was reading some blogs today. Just to save images.

That picture is how I feel, and see myself.

I need to loose weight.

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Giving up.

I kinda really want to give up dancing.

I mean what's the point?

I know I'm no good. 

I never get good parts in the show.

Plus if I don't do dance, I'll have more time to do other things.

I wouldn't ruin my feet and it would cause Ashley less stress. She wouldn't have to choreograph my dance.

Why not give it up?

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Rapunzel

I science

Last week there were auditions for Rapunzel.

I thought I did pretty well.

Evidently not

I'm not any majorish part. I'm a freaking soloist.

I want to cry but I'm not going to.

Probably.

I'm the lantern soloist.

Of course Emma got the lead and Jaya got a Demi lead and Megan got the points solo and Alyssa got the theif.

I'm so low on the list. I'm second to last of importance.

I don't even see why I dance.

I'm not good enough to go anywhere with it.

I don't have the dedication. Or motivation

I'm a disappointment Timp jasmine and Ashley and Liz and probably all of my teachers.

My dance friends probably think I'm pathetic for trying.

No scratch that. I am pathetic.

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suicidal

I'm suicidal.

I wonder if cutting really gives you release.

I wonder if I jumped off of a skyscraper, would it hurt.

I don't think I would regret it.

I would be smiling on the way down.

People would be happy if I was gone.

My 'friends' would be happy they don't have to put up with me.

Riker would be glad I don't bug him

Noelle would be glad she doesn't have to put up with me and mg violence.

Jamie would enjoy me being gone. Not bugging her all the time

Sarah wouldn't think I'm taking Jamie

My sisters would get along better because they would share my stuff

Dad wouldnt have to work so hard. Less people to provide for.

Nick wouldn't have to pretend he likes me

Ashley wouldn't have to put up with me not payign tuition

Emily would be joyous

Mom would be so happy. She would not have to put up with me Lying. She wouldn't have to buy me stuff. She wouldn't think I was another Jr. She wouldn't have to work as hard. She would be more relaxed.

Teachers wouldn't care.

Family wouldn't care.

I don't see why this is a bad idea. It benefits everyone. Even me.

I won't be lonely

It would be kinda costly for the funeral. But its not like anyone would come.

I'm not worth it.

Ill never be worth anything

I lie

I'm not talented

I'm not funny

I'm not smart

I'm violent

I'm not pretty

Im mean

I get jealous

I'm messed up

I'm completely useless.

I want to die

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Again?

Have you ever had that urge to break down and cry.

To strangle someone. Specifically yourself.

To jump off a cliff just because.

Or to jump into oblivion?

That you are completely alone and just....dead....

I kinda feel like that Now.

I mean, I'm surrounded by people but I'm completely alone

And I kinda want to cry.

I've thought about it. And I decided that, I am worthless. Completely worthless.

I'm mean

I'm violent

I'm sadistic

I'm not pretty

I'm scary

I have a tough exterior.

I'm going to end up all alone.

I'll never go to prom or Sadie's or anything like that.

Nobody will ask me. And nobody would torture themselves by spending a whole day with me.

I won't get a boyfriend.

Let alone a husband

I won't have kids

And I won't make it past 27.

If I die then, then I will still be young and people will pity me and not look at my dead corpse with disdain.

I'm done with it. I hate pretending. I hate acting.

My English teacher told me hate is a strong word

I told her that's why I use it.

She laughed.

So I'll say to the world:

I hate myself.

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Valentines day Brownies :)

Marbled Red Velvet Cheesecake Brownies

Yield: 16 hearts

ingredients:

Red Velvet Layer:
3 1/4 cups flour
2 1/4 cups granulated sugar
3 tablespoons cocoa powder
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
3 large eggs
1 cup vegetable oil
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
1 tablespoon red food coloring
2 teaspoons white vinegar
2 tablespoons milk

Cheesecake Layer:
2 8oz packages cream cheese, softened
3/4 cup granulated sugar
2 large eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla

directions:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease a 13 x 18 jelly roll pan with butter or spray with Baker's Joy.

In large bowl, whisk together flour, sugar, cocoa powder, salt, and baking powder. Set aside. In a medium bowl, whisk together eggs, vegetable oil, vanilla extract, red food coloring, and white vinegar.

Combine the dry and wet ingredients, until completely combined. The batter will be a really thick, almost moldable texture...but don't worry, that's what you want. Remove 3/4 cup of the batter and place it in a medium bowl. Whisk in the 2 tablespoons of milk (into the 3/4 cup of batter you just took out). Set aside the 3/4 cup batter.

Pour the remaining batter into the prepared jelly roll pan. Using a spatula, smooth out the batter to reach all the edges.

Now, in your stand mixer, beat cream cheese and sugar until fluffy, about 2 minutes. Add eggs and vanilla, beating until combined and there are no lumps. Pour the cream cheese mixture on top of the red velvet layer and smooth mixture till it reaches all the edges.

Drop spoonfuls of the remaining red velvet batter (that you mixed with milk) onto the top of the cheesecake layer. Drag the tip of a knife through the red velvet and the cheesecake layers to create swirls.

Bake for 30 minutes, rotating half way through, or just until the center is set and it no longer jiggles. Let cool completely on a wire rack before cutting. Use a medium sized heart cookie cutter to create the perfect Valentine's Day treat!

This awesome recipe was found at: http://www.thenovicechefblog.com/2012/01/marbled-red-velvet-cheesecake-brownies/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+TheNoviceChefBlog+%28The+Novice+Chef+Blog+%282%29%29&utm_content=Google+Reader

This is my dance. Watch.

what's the point really

Well I'm feeling down again and I don't want to burdened anyone with my problems so here I go.

I went to jasmine's class yesterday. I cried. But not a lot.

She wwas telling is about auditions.

She made me realize something

I'm never going to use dance

I'm not good enough for a company. And I don't think I would be good enough for college classes so what's the point. I would hate being a dance teacher so there is no career choice.

She made me realize a lot. Like how I don't work as hard as I can. Or how I would suck at auditions.

She also made me realize that I shouldnt do the talent show. I would make fool of myself. A complete fool.

And today, mom said: you aren't doing your exercises are you. You've given up

So I basically told her yes. Because I have.

there is no way i could ever fix my back.

Reasons:

I'm almost finished growing

Doctor froggley is a good chiropractor but there isn't much he can do

The type of scoliosis is one that doesn't react well to therepy, because of the ribcage.

How I'm feeling.



Like a piece of crap.

I really want to die.

remedy:

Listen to other peoples problems so I can see that people have it worse than me. And so I will stop pitying myself

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Emily

This Emily is amazing.

She is one of my role models.
She's gorgeous.
She is athletic.
She is talented, dedicated, religious, gorgeous (yes I already said that.) and she so much more.

So she posted on her blog, something I want to do.

She made a list of things she's going to accomplish this year. Not really goals, but sorta goals.

And here we go.

I will be happier.

I will get all A's on my report card.

I will sing, as the best of my abilities.

I will not compare myself to everyone.

I will finish my freshman year

I will be the best in my studio.

I will work on piano.

I will finish my homework, on time, all the time.

I will pray more often

I will finish the Book of Mormon

I will be more daring

I will make more friends

I will place, in every single event I run, at Alpine days.

I will support my friends, where ever they go for High school.

I will look at colleges.

I will get my permit.

I will not commit suicide

I will get a job.

I will dance till I break. (not too hard)

That's all for now.
A lot to do for the next year.
It's a good challenge :)