Rapunzel

I science

Last week there were auditions for Rapunzel.

I thought I did pretty well.

Evidently not

I'm not any majorish part. I'm a freaking soloist.

I want to cry but I'm not going to.

Probably.

I'm the lantern soloist.

Of course Emma got the lead and Jaya got a Demi lead and Megan got the points solo and Alyssa got the theif.

I'm so low on the list. I'm second to last of importance.

I don't even see why I dance.

I'm not good enough to go anywhere with it.

I don't have the dedication. Or motivation

I'm a disappointment Timp jasmine and Ashley and Liz and probably all of my teachers.

My dance friends probably think I'm pathetic for trying.

No scratch that. I am pathetic.

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suicidal

I'm suicidal.

I wonder if cutting really gives you release.

I wonder if I jumped off of a skyscraper, would it hurt.

I don't think I would regret it.

I would be smiling on the way down.

People would be happy if I was gone.

My 'friends' would be happy they don't have to put up with me.

Riker would be glad I don't bug him

Noelle would be glad she doesn't have to put up with me and mg violence.

Jamie would enjoy me being gone. Not bugging her all the time

Sarah wouldn't think I'm taking Jamie

My sisters would get along better because they would share my stuff

Dad wouldnt have to work so hard. Less people to provide for.

Nick wouldn't have to pretend he likes me

Ashley wouldn't have to put up with me not payign tuition

Emily would be joyous

Mom would be so happy. She would not have to put up with me Lying. She wouldn't have to buy me stuff. She wouldn't think I was another Jr. She wouldn't have to work as hard. She would be more relaxed.

Teachers wouldn't care.

Family wouldn't care.

I don't see why this is a bad idea. It benefits everyone. Even me.

I won't be lonely

It would be kinda costly for the funeral. But its not like anyone would come.

I'm not worth it.

Ill never be worth anything

I lie

I'm not talented

I'm not funny

I'm not smart

I'm violent

I'm not pretty

Im mean

I get jealous

I'm messed up

I'm completely useless.

I want to die

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Again?

Have you ever had that urge to break down and cry.

To strangle someone. Specifically yourself.

To jump off a cliff just because.

Or to jump into oblivion?

That you are completely alone and just....dead....

I kinda feel like that Now.

I mean, I'm surrounded by people but I'm completely alone

And I kinda want to cry.

I've thought about it. And I decided that, I am worthless. Completely worthless.

I'm mean

I'm violent

I'm sadistic

I'm not pretty

I'm scary

I have a tough exterior.

I'm going to end up all alone.

I'll never go to prom or Sadie's or anything like that.

Nobody will ask me. And nobody would torture themselves by spending a whole day with me.

I won't get a boyfriend.

Let alone a husband

I won't have kids

And I won't make it past 27.

If I die then, then I will still be young and people will pity me and not look at my dead corpse with disdain.

I'm done with it. I hate pretending. I hate acting.

My English teacher told me hate is a strong word

I told her that's why I use it.

She laughed.

So I'll say to the world:

I hate myself.

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Valentines day Brownies :)

Marbled Red Velvet Cheesecake Brownies

Yield: 16 hearts

ingredients:

Red Velvet Layer:
3 1/4 cups flour
2 1/4 cups granulated sugar
3 tablespoons cocoa powder
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
3 large eggs
1 cup vegetable oil
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
1 tablespoon red food coloring
2 teaspoons white vinegar
2 tablespoons milk

Cheesecake Layer:
2 8oz packages cream cheese, softened
3/4 cup granulated sugar
2 large eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla

directions:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease a 13 x 18 jelly roll pan with butter or spray with Baker's Joy.

In large bowl, whisk together flour, sugar, cocoa powder, salt, and baking powder. Set aside. In a medium bowl, whisk together eggs, vegetable oil, vanilla extract, red food coloring, and white vinegar.

Combine the dry and wet ingredients, until completely combined. The batter will be a really thick, almost moldable texture...but don't worry, that's what you want. Remove 3/4 cup of the batter and place it in a medium bowl. Whisk in the 2 tablespoons of milk (into the 3/4 cup of batter you just took out). Set aside the 3/4 cup batter.

Pour the remaining batter into the prepared jelly roll pan. Using a spatula, smooth out the batter to reach all the edges.

Now, in your stand mixer, beat cream cheese and sugar until fluffy, about 2 minutes. Add eggs and vanilla, beating until combined and there are no lumps. Pour the cream cheese mixture on top of the red velvet layer and smooth mixture till it reaches all the edges.

Drop spoonfuls of the remaining red velvet batter (that you mixed with milk) onto the top of the cheesecake layer. Drag the tip of a knife through the red velvet and the cheesecake layers to create swirls.

Bake for 30 minutes, rotating half way through, or just until the center is set and it no longer jiggles. Let cool completely on a wire rack before cutting. Use a medium sized heart cookie cutter to create the perfect Valentine's Day treat!

This awesome recipe was found at: http://www.thenovicechefblog.com/2012/01/marbled-red-velvet-cheesecake-brownies/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+TheNoviceChefBlog+%28The+Novice+Chef+Blog+%282%29%29&utm_content=Google+Reader

This is my dance. Watch.

what's the point really

Well I'm feeling down again and I don't want to burdened anyone with my problems so here I go.

I went to jasmine's class yesterday. I cried. But not a lot.

She wwas telling is about auditions.

She made me realize something

I'm never going to use dance

I'm not good enough for a company. And I don't think I would be good enough for college classes so what's the point. I would hate being a dance teacher so there is no career choice.

She made me realize a lot. Like how I don't work as hard as I can. Or how I would suck at auditions.

She also made me realize that I shouldnt do the talent show. I would make fool of myself. A complete fool.

And today, mom said: you aren't doing your exercises are you. You've given up

So I basically told her yes. Because I have.

there is no way i could ever fix my back.

Reasons:

I'm almost finished growing

Doctor froggley is a good chiropractor but there isn't much he can do

The type of scoliosis is one that doesn't react well to therepy, because of the ribcage.

How I'm feeling.



Like a piece of crap.

I really want to die.

remedy:

Listen to other peoples problems so I can see that people have it worse than me. And so I will stop pitying myself

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Emily

This Emily is amazing.

She is one of my role models.
She's gorgeous.
She is athletic.
She is talented, dedicated, religious, gorgeous (yes I already said that.) and she so much more.

So she posted on her blog, something I want to do.

She made a list of things she's going to accomplish this year. Not really goals, but sorta goals.

And here we go.

I will be happier.

I will get all A's on my report card.

I will sing, as the best of my abilities.

I will not compare myself to everyone.

I will finish my freshman year

I will be the best in my studio.

I will work on piano.

I will finish my homework, on time, all the time.

I will pray more often

I will finish the Book of Mormon

I will be more daring

I will make more friends

I will place, in every single event I run, at Alpine days.

I will support my friends, where ever they go for High school.

I will look at colleges.

I will get my permit.

I will not commit suicide

I will get a job.

I will dance till I break. (not too hard)

That's all for now.
A lot to do for the next year.
It's a good challenge :)